I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
