so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
