Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
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