i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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