i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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