FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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