Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Randomize
