i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
