Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
