My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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