im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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