A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
