I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
