So drunk, too bad you don't want this
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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