well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I think im going to throw up on grandma
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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