the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
as a side note pls kill me
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
