going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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