I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
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