Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
