i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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