I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
