Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
literally had 100 drinks last night.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Randomize
