The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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