Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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