Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize