I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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