You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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