she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize