I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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