when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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