she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
