:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Randomize
