and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
He better not be in your backpack
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
