I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
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