dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
