Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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