Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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