Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
