she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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