The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Blow job season was short but glorious.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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