Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
