ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
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