I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Vodka?
Forever.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
