god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
