just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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