i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
