Swine flu. Run for my life!
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
