since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize