my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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