I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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