First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
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