i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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