Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
