Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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