why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
