If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
