you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
