Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
