The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
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