My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
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