I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
