I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
