Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
