The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
