remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
