Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
