Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Randomize